The perfect body
Having seen real humans in the wild, I understand that cartoons tend to have cartoon-like bodily proportions. Due to this, I have not been given a complex because my neck and my waist don’t have the same diameter.
Flawless hair
I’m aware that there are thousands of hairs on my head, so I’m cool with it if they don’t all get along well enough to join together in a single, gravity-defying clump of split-end-free matrimony.
Outrageously handsome men
My mother ensured that I was given the chance to interact with real live boys and men from a young age, so I accept that most of them have pores and body hair.
The easy courtship process
Hey, I like you. Let’s go paint with all the colors of the wind or something.”^not what actually happens.
The ability and willingness of everyone around you to burst into perfectly harmonized song
The closest I’ve gotten was when the dude living below me pounded on his ceiling with a broom handle, and it kind of provided percussion to my one-woman Backstreet Boys shower concert.
The ability and willingness of animals to clean your house
A bird flew into my house when I was six, and it really made more of a mess than it cleaned up. But I’m sure it tried its best to help.
The rapid acceleration of time while singing
Simba grew up in one song. Hercules got swole. They made a man out of Mulan. I cleaned a small stack of dishes.
The existence of magical people who would make your life better
I mean, the Tooth Fairy is fun to get drunk with, but you can’t expect too much from a person who only gives you a couple of bucks in exchange for something that fell out of your face.
Epic villains who are still kind of likeable even when they try to ruin your life
Smart people learn from a young age that the real bad guys leave poor tips at restaurants and walk slowly in narrow hallways. And they are impossible to like.
Easy makeup application and removal
Anyone who’s ever worn makeup knows that even casually rubbing your eye will ruin your whole face. Stop trying to pretend like you didn’t coat your whole sleeve in coconut oil, Mulan.
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